Articles
Forgive One Another
Forgiveness can be hard. The hard part is that somebody did me wrong, I didn’t like it, and I want them to know that! I think there are a few factors that will determine just how hard it is for me to forgive an offense. First, how severe was it? Was this a mild inconvenience, or a major tragedy? Did it just annoy me, or did it traumatize me? Second, how long did the consequences of this offense last? Was it a fender bender that cost me some time out of my day and a little hassle with the insurance company? Or was it a major car accident that brought a lifetime of paranoia, unending Dr. visits and the loss of a loved one? Third, who is this person that did this to me? Is it a stranger who I will never see again and probably didn’t care about me anyway? Or is this close friend or family member, who I love and trust? Obviously, the latter half of each of these comparisons will be the harder one to forgive, but I think the third one can really put me over the edge. The difficulty to forgive a traumatic event that will forever change my life for the worse will be multiplied significantly by learning that my best friend, my parent, or my brother in Christ is at fault. “I trusted you!” “How could you do this to me?” “I thought you loved me!” “Do you even care about me at all?” “I don’t think I can be around you anymore.” And yet, Ephesians 4:32 reads, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Men may say some things are things are unforgiveable, but God calls to forgive one another. Period.
Ephesians 4:32 gives me the reason I should forgive, but the parable of the unforgiving servant really makes it clear. I won’t sit here and write an essay on Matthew 18:21-35. I don’t think it needs any commentary. But take a minute and read through it. You’ll find that 1) I owe an unpayable debt 2) that debt has been forgiven because of God’s love and mercy, and 3) I am required to comprehend how much I have been forgiven, in order to “forgive one another”. We see clearly what God thinks about someone who is unable to do this. “Then his master said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.” Matthew 18:32-34. And if we don’t pick it up from the end of the parable, Jesus explicitly states it in verse 35, “So my heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” I can’t have a relationship with Jesus without the forgiveness He freely gives me. Similarly, I can’t have a relationship with Jesus if I don’t freely forgive my brother. Restoring my relationship with my brother, restores my relationship with Jesus.
Having said all this, the hesitancy I feel to forgive, combined with the requirement God gives me to do so, can pose a serious problem for me as a disciple of Christ. What do I do when the worst of the worst is done to me? What do I do when I’m just not sure I can bring myself to forgive? Luckily, we have God’s word which, as 2 Timothy 3:17 tells us, helps us to be “thoroughly equipped for every good work.” Every good work including forgiveness! Below are some bible based things I believe I need to consider if I am having trouble forgiving my brother.
- I HAVE TO SET MY MIND – Forgiveness requires the correct mindset. It requires a mind that is set, not on the flesh, but on the spirit. It requires a mind that is set, not on myself, but on Jesus. Romans 8:5-8 reminds us of this. The mind that is set on the flesh can’t forgive a terrible wrong done to my flesh. Verse 8 tells us, “those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” Remember, this life is not forever. Actually, it is very short. “It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” James 4:14. Is the reason I’m having trouble forgiving that I care too much about my troubles in this little vapor of a life, and too litle about eternity with God?
- I AM A SINNER, IN NEED OF MERCY – This is the major point of the parable of the unforgiving servant, but let’s also look at John 8:3-11. This is the story of a woman who was caught in adultery and brought before Jesus. The Pharisees recited the punishment from the law, which said that she should be stoned, but then they asked Jesus, “What do you say?”. I think we can learn an important lesson from how Jesus responds. “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” I do understand that this is not a situation where this woman had specifically sinned against each one of the members in this crowd, but she did sin, didn’t she? Yes. She did deserve the punishment for that sin, right? Of course. And yet, Jesus looked into the heart of those Pharisees and saw their desire to condemn this sinful woman, the same way he will look into my heart and see my desire to condemn my brother for his sin against me. Verse 9 reads, “Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one…”. Instead of seeking justice, revenge or condemnation for my brother who sinned against me, let me remember Jesus’ words. Let me be convicted by my conscience and remember that I am a sinner too.
- JESUS DIED FOR THIS SIN – “In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace” Ephesians 1:7. Jesus died for my sins. This is a statement many of us have heard repeatedly since we were very young. It is a truth that is pivotal to the gospel that we strive to spread. But did Jesus only die for MY sins? Does his blood cleanse only me? The answers to these questions are obvious, but when I am finding it hard to forgive, they are also very important. Jesus died for my brother’s sin. More specifically, Jesus died so that my brother could be forgiven for sinning against me. If Jesus died for this sin, then I can certainly forgive my brother for it.
- ALL SIN IS FIRST AND FOREMOST AGAINST GOD – When I’ve been hurt, abused and betrayed by sin this doesn’t feel true, but I need to focus less on how I feel and more on what God’s word says. In Psalm 51, when David is asking God to forgive his sin with Bathsheba, he makes an interesting statement. Verse 4 says, “Against You, You only, have I sinned, And done this evil in Your sight.” Is that true? Was David’s sin only against God? What about Bathsheba? What about Uriah? Speaking literally, no, God was not the only one who was sinned against. So why would David say this then? I believe it is because all sin is first and foremost against God. David is essentially saying, it is so wrong of me to sin against God, that I will describe it in this way. Even though his sin hurt other people, the worst thing it did was transgress God’s law. If I can view myself as a distant second offendee, I’ll find it easier to forgive in the way God (the primary offendee) does.
- MAYBE GOD MEANT IT FOR GOOD – Please don’t think this is an attempt to minimize the pain sin can cause, or worse, that God wants you to suffer. But I shouldn’t underestimate God’s power to use less than ideal circumstances to bring about something good. We know the story of Joseph. All the terrible things that happened to him started with his brothers selling him into slavery. When they eventually are reunited with Joseph, he forgives them. Then at the end of Genesis Jacob dies, and Joseph’s brothers think maybe he was just showing them forgiveness for their father’s sake, and now he would get his revenge. In verse 20 Joseph says, “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” Potiphar and his house, many people in the prison (especially the butler), Pharoah, all of Egypt, many people in the surrounding area who came to Egypt to buy food during the famine (including Joseph’s brothers), and maybe more people that we don’t read about. All these people benefitted because Joseph’s brothers sinned against him. I am not trying to say that every sin brings good things, but I am saying, God has a plan. Maybe that plan includes suffering on my part to bring about something good for somebody else, or possibly even for me. Joseph used this as a reason to forgive. So should I.
These five points are not the magic solution for instant forgiveness, but they are truths I can see in God’s word, and I believe dwelling on them, instead of how I’m feeling, will help me to forgive.
True forgiveness requires me to restore the relationship with my brother, so let me end with this question. How do I know if I have restored my relationship with my brother fully? How do I know if I have truly forgiven? I can go all day saying that I forgave, and still harbor ill will in my heart or purposely avoid any contact with my brother. And maybe I’m not doing it intentionally. Maybe I thought I had forgiven, but my actions show something different. Well, “forgive one another” is not the only “one another” statement in the bible. Actually, there are quite a few more of them. Accept one another, care for one another, encourage one another, be hospitable to one another, honor one another, be at peace with one another, serve one another, etc. These are all instructions given to me in God’s word. Will I invite the brother who hurt me into my home to share a meal? Will I send him an encouraging text when I notice he is going through a rough time? Will I put his needs before my own? Will I serve him? If I use his past sins as an excuse to shirk these responsibilities I have to him, then I have more work to do. But if I treat him the way God expects me to treat any Christian brother, then I have fulfilled His command to “forgive one another”.
